WARNING:

If you have emotional tendencies,do not go past this point.I repeat:

DO NOT GO PAST THIS POINT!

Who am I to stop your curious self?Lol! So, my first love.

***

Over the week, I was busy preparing for fitness class and attending actual classes.So, on that Friday evening vibe I went over to download Alaine’s old songs that reminded me so much of high school life.One because I was a geek who loved dancing during entertainment so much (I still love to dance, though I never club) and two because I recalled my first love.Let us call him Zee.

Pronounced /ˈziː/

Disclaimer:

Any words I use in this post are a result of polished grammar acquired over time.I would never have used them then.I was just a naive teenager experiencing innocent love.

***

I was 14 when I first noticed Zee.He was tall, dark handsome and topped his class.Which woman doesn’t love a man with some brains? I mean, I was the top girl from my class as well.Coincidence much? We were at the school gate (by we I mean all students) ,we all had to pass through the gate on our way home for Christmas holiday.I spotted Zee from the crowd, cool, calm and collected.He told the teacher,”Merry Christmas Madam.”

That was the most well said Merry Christmas I have ever heard.So over the holidays, I gave myself the full time job of joining Facebook and finding this crush of mine who said Merry Christmas so well.

Time went by and my little infatuation grew faster than my bank account is growing at the moment. Before I knew it, I was in love.In deep, pure, mad love with someone who had no clue I existed (one of my exes told me this and I felt special but they still cheated on me, this is why I have trust issues).

Seeing Zee at the dining hall, during debates or at the field playing rugby sent chills down my spine.I mean that I experienced those butterflies ten times over, each time bewildered by God’s work of art on this fine young man.So humble, so sharp.So neat ( He ironed his uniform, imagine, HE IRONED HIS UNIFORM IN HIGH SCHOOL).I barely folded mine.

Anyho, midway through my second year, Zee and I had a mutual friend.She was the user interface of data between the two of us.The way things turned out, I questioned every message decoded by her.She’d tell me “He said hi.” “We didn’t talk about you today.” “He said goodnight.” “He said this, he said that.”

In my head, we had a budding weird relationship.I recall one time when we were at the field (we as in students again) and his cousin ‘gave me the chance’ to talk to Zee.”Don’t say something stupid, ” he said.I think I mumbled very few words during that conversation. That guy had a magnetic effect on my senses.He looked like Dj Sadic, I’m not sure if he still does since it’s been long since I last stalked him.

Still midway through my second year, these new girls joined my class.I was no longer the top girl, one of them was Mercy from my Jishinde Ushinde post. In school, we always had this end year party and that year, the other girl who knew how much I loved Zee hooked us up with a dance.I still remember the dance to date. That he probably didn’t feel the same way did not matter then.

This one sided relationship was weird. We never had real conversations but somehow there was chemistry and there was not.It was confusing. Mercy was my good friend remember?She knew what was going on, the next thing I knew was that they were the hottest couple in school, in my third year.

***

I don’t think I’ll ever experience such a long heartbreak in my life.Their relationship was real.Not like mine.It had real communication. I came across his Valentines card one time.Who uses words like silhouette correctly as a teenager? Aaargh!Dude was perfect!

Deep inside I was hurt but I never showed or probably did but thought I did not. This one time we (by we I mean students yet again but only the girls) were at the library right after the two made their love public (lol, like it’s some Hollywood drama) and Mercy had issues with me, which was surprising since I had been calm with the situation. I may have mumbled some mean words to some people though (this is why I have trust issues again).Zee was called to the library to rescue the situation. I still insist there was no situation. So right there, the love of my life (I say that with confidence because that was the only true love I ever experienced), told me to cut them some slack.This explains why I’m tough, if I could take that as a teenager, I can take anything.

What followed was World War III as I later called it. I was fighting demons in my head.Their love blossomed and I watched, probably got used to it.We shared a class with Mercy so he’d pop in,sometimes when I was there.The Awkwardness was real.They didn’t give a damn though.

***

Later that year, when everybody knew who was who in Facebook and I had a pseudonym Hermione Granger ,there was an online exchange of words between Zee, myself and his desky.Let us call her Zipporah (I’m laughing so hard right now because she was too cute for the name).Zippy made my life miserable. Not online, not in school.She called Zee number one fan.She’d go ,”Mbona unasumbua fan wangu?” I once bumped into her in town and to be honest, I thought I had forgiven her but that is not the case.

***

Even after all the drama, when Z was leaving high school, I wrote him a letter.I laughed so hard when I remembered this yesterday. Love is blind I tell you.The last time I checked, I do not know where Zee is, Mercy was globe trotting (they broke up I think), Zippy was a model.Not so sure since it was long ago.

***

However brutal it was,this was the only unconditional love I will ever have.It was also the most stupid but if I were to go back, I would do it all over again.That is unconditional.

However, I am in a space where I am an adult and love has its conditions.If you see me avoiding relationships just know that the very first did not go well and I have grown to be comfortable in my own skin.High school did not go too well in that department,neither did college but it’s over and the only thing that matters now is smashing my Life Goals.

Have an amazing night /morning depending on what part of the world you are in.

 

Posted by Nattie

My name is Natalie.I am a young entrepreneur, scientist and a certified feminist who believes in women empowerment. This blog is my little way of encouraging women to live better lives.It is also proof that you cannot get your dream body in one day. I hope someone takes up the challenge.

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